Down to the nitty gritties

I haven’t blogged in quite a while, and this is not the type of post that I’ve been meaning to write. For the past month or so I feel like I’ve been in a rut. I don’t feel like I’m doing very well at any aspect in my life (especially motherhood), and I keep feeling the urge to be things that I’m not. So I decided to take a quick look at who I really am and what makes me tick. Without trying to hide anything or apologize for anything, here’s a peek into the real me.

I love baking and could easily bake all day long if I had the time (and if I didn’t have to do all of the dishes). When I see a new recipe that I want to try I look for any possible opportunity to make it. Oftentimes when I’m having a hard time sleeping at night I’m thinking about baking.

I love cooking—not as much as baking, but I love it nonetheless. Putting a good meal on the table brings me great satisfaction.

I love grocery shopping. I’m so excited each week when the ads come in the mail and I can plan what stores I’ll go to and what dishes I’ll be able to make. I get especially excited about sales on produce.

I love getting new things to wear, but rarely do. While not wanting to spend money is part of it, a large factor is that I don’t like shopping with my children and feel guilty getting a babysitter to go out shopping on my own. And I don’t enjoy online shopping for clothing. I get much more excited about grocery shopping than clothing shopping (and my children enjoy grocery shopping so much more), and thus my wardrobe suffers.

Guilt is a feeling I feel frequently. It is mostly related to my children in some way. I daily feel the need to be a more patient and accepting mother and to be more creative with my children.

I love to read, but don’t get to much these days. If I had the time I’d read many of the classics that I read in high school but that I didn’t fully appreciate at the time. “A Tale of Two Cities” is high on my list to re-read.

I am a dreamer. I love to dream about the house I will have someday, vacations that Neal and I will go on, meals that I’d like to make, desserts I’d like to bake, parties I’d like to have, things I’d like to own, etc. After we got married it took a while for Neal to get used to my love of dreaming and stop worrying that I was going to go out and spend a lot of money on things. I fear that at the end of my life I’ll find that I’ve done more dreaming than doing. I’m still trying to figure this out, but I think that for the most part fear of the unknown, feeling like I don’t deserve things, and my inborn thriftiness keep me from doing.

I love to play the piano and am so excited whenever I get a chance to play in church. I love accompanying, especially for choirs. I also enjoy playing the organ. I enjoyed being a ward organist (except for the part about it being hard for my children) and feel very badly that I didn’t do a better job in that calling while I had it (it wasn’t my primary calling, so I didn’t devote a lot of time to practice—to be quite honest, barely any time once Sally was born). Most of the time I didn’t play the pedals, and I did hardly any exploration with the stops to get different sounds for different hymns.

I am easily annoyed by sounds that people make unintentionally or without the intent to annoy—such as pen-clicking, lip-smacking, knuckle-cracking, humming, whistling, etc.

I love having parties with friends and family. I am always looking for any excuse to have a party or other get-together. I love planning, preparing food, and seeing people gather and interact, and, of course, eating. I’m still trying to figure out how to be more involved in socializing during my parties while being a good hostess and not ignoring my children. While I love having parties, I also get stressed out and worn out as a result, but these minor problems are far outweighed by the enjoyment I get from the overall experience.

I love serving people, especially if it involves preparing food.

I want to own a bed and breakfast, or a sandwich shop and bakery, someday.

I get great satisfaction out of having a clean house. For the most part I enjoy cleaning, but there are certain areas that I really struggle with. I hate washing windows (especially since Sally is always touching them and they never stay clean), I detest dusting blinds (I think 4 years of living in BYU student housing with cleaning checks every months requiring blind cleaning burned me out), and for some reason I have a really hard time getting around to vacuuming (I don’t have a ton of carpet at my house, and when there is not a sleeping child in the house there are toys on the floor being played with).

I am a confident person in that I have confidence in my ability to do most things I’d like to do, but I often feel insecure around other people and worry about what they think of me. This is in large part because I often put my foot in my mouth and tend to be too loud. It doesn’t help that I was an awkward child (or at least felt like one because I was always too tall, too serious, and had coke bottle glasses), I am naturally clumsy, and I have vivid memories about being teased for these reasons and more.

I struggle with disciplining my 2.5 year old daughter, and know that I need to lighten up. I have really high expectations for myself, which I tend to pass long to Sally, poor thing. I get easily annoyed about things that aren’t that big a deal. Sometimes I forget that she is only 2.5, and I fear that I’m not enjoying her childhood enough.

I have always had a fear of not being loved, and although I have a great marriage and two sweet kids, that fear remains. I know that I’m not great with teenagers, and I fear that Sally won’t like me in her teenage years. Silly fear, but it is there nonetheless.

I wish I were better at blogging, sending birthday cards on time (I don’t forget birthdays, I just struggle with sending things on time), taking pictures, planning activities to engage my daughter, staying in touch with my family and friends, and exercising.

I love to sing and want to be in the Motab someday.

I love being outside but don’t go outside much because 1) I get eaten alive every time I set foot outdoors, 2) I’m not quite sure what to do with Austin, 3) Sally has a way of getting filthy in a matter of seconds. I need to find away around these difficulties so I can take better care of my yard and garden and clean out my car (I have no garage, so this is an outside activity).

I’ve enjoyed living in Kansas City, but I long to live closer to the bulk of my family. I wish I lived closer to at least one of my sisters. Being close to some of Neal’s family partly fills the void, but the void remains and is particularly large around holidays.

I love to laugh and enjoy watching old comedies with Neal, especially movies with Doris Day and Rock Hudson or Cary Grant. I have kind of a silly sense of humor. I think the movie Nacho Libre is absolutely hilarious, and I often find myself laughing at it out of the blue. I don’t laugh as much as I used to and I’m not sure why. The burdens of being a wife and mother? Probably. I need to lighten up.

I need to go to bed. NOW.